The More Myself I Become, the Less I Need Approval
I spent years trying to be neutral to be accessible, but it was holding me back instead.
I don’t care what you think.
How does that feel in your body when I say that?
If you feel a little uncomfortable or triggered, read on. 😘
Criticism = hypervigilance
I’ve always been sensitive to criticism. So that whole “just don’t care what people think” thing? Yeah. That wasn’t an option for me, even though I wanted that BADLY - what would it be like to give zero Fs?! 😅
However the reality was, if someone didn’t like what I was doing or how I was showing up - aka criticism, my nervous system was triggered, and I felt shattered.
Do you ever find yourself in a mental spiral, obsessing over interactions, over-analyzing, and trying to mentally “solve” what just happened in an exchange? Replaying conversations or trying to predict reactions? That’s what we’re talking about here.
Because you know what’s exhausting?
Constantly monitoring yourself.
Your tone.
Your opinions.
Your personality.
Your existence.
As someone living in a neurodivergent, trauma-conditioned brain, body, and nervous system, I am hyper-responsive to criticism, which is pretty common, but this does, in fact, happen to most “normal” people. The volume is just louder depending on your wiring.
We live in a hyper-visible, hyper-critical culture where people constantly share opinions, judgments, and unsolicited commentary online. Of course, our systems adapt to that.
That’s what our nervous systems do:
They try to protect us by scanning for what could go wrong, what could threaten belonging, connection, safety, or acceptance, because that is what has helped our species survive. Cue the anxiety and worrying what people think about us or how we “come off.”
Personally, I’d even try to justify why others’ critiques about me were accurate. 😵💫 That could look something like: “Oooh, I was too forceful and loud when expressing my opinion - no wonder they scrunced their face at me,” or “I could have shown more professionalism instead of being highly expressive and verbose - I guess that is why they didn’t like my offer.”
Which, of course, none of these mental rehearsals and rewrites provided any resolutions to the uncomfortable interactions I was playing out in my head. I was aware I was doing analysis, replaying, etc., but wasn't sure how to stop feeling like I’d done something wrong and deserved criticism.
And I think a LOT of people are experiencing this right now because the threat of judgment is so present through things like cancel culture, isolationism, movements, the weaponization of religion and spirituality, and the sheer volume of our interactions in online space gives ample opportunities for someone to have an opinion about who we are. We see folks being shi*ty to each other in all sorts of spaces, and we wonder when it will be our turn next.
The problem is… eventually you realize you’re spending more energy trying to avoid discomfort than actually living your life as your true self.
And that kind of self-monitoring becomes its own prison.
What actually started changing things for me
Something has shifted dramatically for me over the last six months. This has been a long process of growth, but things really started to change when I reached out to work with my coach, mentor, and friend, Megan Boerner, M.A., MCLC.
And the beautiful thing is… she hasn’t tried to “fix” me.
She’s helped me become more myself.
More honest.
More embodied.
More comfortable being seen.
Becoming more myself practices included:
Coaching (mostly biz coaching, but if you have a biz problem, it is very likely a personal problem, too)
Counseling (yes, I have a coach and a counselor)
Journaling sh*t out
Meditation and reprogramming old beliefs
Allowing myself to actually feel my feelings when they come up (I have several methods I practice for this)
Making more time for joy and pleasure
Energy work + spirituality
Allowing myself to rest
And doing a lot of uncomfortable things before I felt “ready”
Hey, gentle note here: Everyone’s journey is different. Will you have to do all this stuff to be more comfortable in your skin and resilient to criticism? IDK. The important thing is not to be afraid to look at all the parts of yourself and to be open to seeing + doing things differently.
Your body needs proof
Here’s the part that gets skipped over by the dominant culture of personal and professional development practices of today:
Your nervous system needs proof that you’ll survive being seen.
You have to live differently long enough for your body to realize you’re safe. Keep showing up, keep sharing your gifts - even if no one is responding, and keep reminding yourself that you chose to do what you’re doing because you want your life to get better.
Megan told me this when we started working together. My brain and nervous system had a hard time accepting this because I had done things like this before (pretty sure I stomped around like a toddler in defiance). But this time, I chose to believe things could be different and they have been, eventually.
Slowly, repetition changes you.
Confidence through doing
It’s weird, I didn’t even really realize my confidence was growing until I looked back at the last six months. If you’d asked me at the end of 2025 how I felt about my life and business, I probably would have said hopeful (because I believe in the awesome infinite power of the universe to produce wildly magnificent endless options for all people✨), but I sure as shit didn’t feel that way. Confidence was not a feeling I felt then.
Now, my nervous system feels more regulated, and I’m much more grounded and confident when interacting with people publicly and marketing myself. I know my embodied self-assuredness has grown exponentially because I am more open about my intuitive nature and practicing energy work regularly.
I still struggle in all the ways I spelled out - I’m just not in the heavy, deep dark phase of constantly doubting/mistrusting myself or worrying about what everyone thinks about me. The work I do absolutely brings scrutiny from people who don’t understand it. Scrutiny is still uncomfortable.
But because my system is more regulated, and I’m more comfortable with being me, I can invoke the knowledge that that’s what humans do - we fear what we don’t understand.
Others’ judgments and criticisms are not about me.
Labeling something as weird, wrong, or bad often helps people stay inside what feels familiar to them.
And I am no longer making that my fuggin problem. Whew-we!
What matters more to me now is that I feel aligned with the work I’m doing and the person I’m becoming.
I trust myself more.
I like myself more.
I love myself more.
[All things on my affirmation list BTW 😌]
And I gotta tell you, I have received zero direct criticism since I started showing up more as myself. No nasty comments on posts, no rants in my inbox, and if people aren’t interested in interacting with me anymore, I haven't noticed. If people are talking negatively about me when I’m not around, it hasn’t gotten back to me. Maybe it’s coming, but I can handle it now. 💪
In fact, in my networking circles, people are coming up to me telling me they have heard great things about my services. And friends have reached out and said my energy has shifted, I’m “more me.” Cool, right?!
Embodiment is honest repetition
So if you’re sitting on something meaningful…
Something that feels true to you…
Something you keep hiding because you’re afraid of what people will think…
Showing up as your true, authentic self can feel so good!
Keep in mind:
Your body might freak out a little at first; that’s normal.
You may have to ask for help.
You may have to question old beliefs, rewire old patterns, and sit with discomfort.
But embodiment happens when your actions start matching what you know is true.
Not perfectly.
Not all at once, but at your own pace.
Just honestly.
A little love letter to Megan
💌 And this post is also a little love letter to my coach and friend, Megan. I truly would not be where I am without her.
I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I’ve ever been, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.
Happy to talk more in the comments or on socials: Facebook | Instagram
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I care so much about what other people think?
For many people, especially those with trauma-conditioned or neurodivergent nervous systems, caring deeply about other people’s reactions is connected to safety. Hypervigilance, masking, people pleasing, and self-monitoring are often learned survival strategies, not personality flaws.
Can nervous system healing help with people pleasing and hypervigilance?
Yes. Healing work that supports the nervous system can help people feel safer being seen, expressing themselves honestly, setting boundaries, and making choices that actually align with who they are instead of constantly managing other people’s comfort.
What does embodiment actually mean?
Embodiment is when your actions, choices, and life begin matching what you intellectually know to be true. It’s not just understanding yourself mentally. It’s feeling safe enough in your body to live differently.
How can Reiki help with nervous system regulation?
Reiki/energy work helps calm the nervous system, release emotional tension, and create space for the body to process stress, emotions, and old patterns. Many people describe feeling more grounded, clear, emotionally lighter, and connected to themselves after sessions.
What happens during a Reiki session with Alana Fravell?
Sessions with Alana combine conversation, intuitive insight, Reiki energy work, and practical self-support tools. Clients often come seeking clarity, emotional processing, nervous system support, deeper self-connection, or help in integrating personal growth work they’ve already been doing.
How do I know if this work is right for me?
If you’ve already done a self-development work but still feel stuck, disconnected, overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, or unable to fully embody the changes you want to make, this work may help support the missing “integration” piece. Ready to explore this work more deeply?
You can learn more about Reiki sessions with Alana Fravell here:
