Discernment over Default: Why Your Life Looks Fine But Feels Off
Choosing What Actually Fits You
This is the third in a small series where I’m laying out how I actually work and some universal truths I’ve discovered on my healing journey. Not trends. Not quick fixes. This is a way of understanding yourself that’s grounded in biology, nervous systems, real life, and nature.
In the first two posts, we talked about your true nature as a human animal. Instincts. Drives. Patterns that exist because you have a body, a brain, and a nervous system shaped by time and experiences. It's about becoming aware of why you are the way you are. The next few blogs will focus on choosing what you want to keep, toss, or change about your way of being.
Did You Know You Get to Decide?
I remember sitting in science class in grade school and hearing that humans only use a small percentage of their brains. I thought it was fascinating. I imagined hidden potential just waiting to be unlocked, like there was some extraordinary version of me tucked away that I simply had not accessed yet. I assumed that one day I would figure it out and everything would click into place.
It never quite happened like that.
I did well in school. I was encouraged to achieve, to collect accolades, to get good grades, and keep climbing. I followed the script I was given. The problem was not that I lacked discipline or drive. The problem was that I never stopped to ask what I actually wanted to be achieving once the structure of school disappeared and I was no longer subject to my parents' authority. I knew how to perform. I did not know how to choose.
Climbing Without Direction
I thought a good career, steady income, a husband, and a beautiful home would naturally equal fulfillment. That seemed reasonable. It was what I had seen modeled and what I absorbed from culture. So I pursued those things, assuming satisfaction would rise as my achievements did.
It did not.
Externally, my life looked responsible and successful. I kept getting better jobs and making more money. Internally, something felt hollow. I could not connect my effort to any deeper sense of meaning. When my emotional and relational needs went unmet, I reached for substitutes: substances, shopping, gossip, and food. Not because I was reckless, but because I was just trying to feel something, although I was not aware that was happening at the time. Those quick hits of dopamine, pleasure, and comfort all temporarily softened the emptiness, but they never resolved it. Over time, I needed more stimulation to try to feel something, anything. All the while, becoming more disconnected from my true self and my physical body.
That is not a moral failure. It is what humans do when they are misaligned and do not yet know how to fully support themselves.
I still find comfort in places I know it would be better for me not to, but now I have the awareness and tools to work with my emotions without reaching for something outside myself.
It Might Feel Like You’re Choosing
If you are reading this, you are likely an adult. On paper, you are making decisions every day. You choose your job, your schedule, your relationships, your habits. But choosing and consciously deciding are not the same thing.
Much of what we call choice is repetition. We continue patterns that once helped us belong, stay safe, or receive approval. Our conditioning shaped our neural pathways long before we had any real agency. Our brains prefer what is familiar because, for most of human history, familiar/same meant safe. That wiring is not a flaw. It kept our species alive.
The problem is that what kept you safe at seven may not be what allows you to thrive at thirty-five or fifty. If you never pause to reassess, you can spend years living on autopilot while falsely believing you are fully in control.
You Don’t Need to Be Fixed
Maybe you have tried to change before, or you are, in fact, pretty self-aware. Maybe you followed your passion, invested in personal development, tried to forgive and move on, or adopted someone else’s formula for success. When the transformation you hoped for did not deliver, you may have concluded that you were the problem. You should have been more disciplined or tried harder.
I spent years thinking someone else might have the answer for me. I do not regret seeking support, but I do regret believing someone could hand me a ready-made blueprint for a successful, fulfilling life. No therapist, coach, or mentor can choose for you. What they can do is help you learn how to listen to yourself more clearly.
The goal is not to be fixed. But if you’ve tried to change and haven’t yet, you might default to thinking that is just how you are.
The Lie of “This Is Just Who I Am”
Many people never stop to ask whether the way they are living actually works for them. It is easier to say, “this is just how I am,” than to examine where that identity came from. We compare ourselves to others and assume their path must hold clues for ours. We chase what seems to work for someone else without knowing the full context of how they got there or whether their structure would support us at all.
I see so many capable, intelligent people who are quietly miserable. They are doing everything they were told would lead to a good life, yet something still feels off. That dissonance is not weakness. It is information - and you get to decide what to do with that information.
What Sovereignty Actually Looks Like
For most of my life, I followed someone else’s plan. I outsourced my growth. I outsourced my healing. I assumed someone more experienced, more educated, or more evolved would eventually hand me the right framework and I would finally feel settled inside myself.
I was competent. I was capable. I was not anchored.
Now, I am working toward being self-directed. Sovereign. Not in a dramatic, burn-it-all-down way, but in the quiet sense of trusting that I can set my own pace, define my own goals, and decide what growth looks like for me.
Sovereignty begins with noticing. It sounds simple, but it is not passive. It requires honesty. Pay attention to where you feel consistently uncomfortable, agitated, flooded, resentful, or drained. Also notice where you feel energized, inspired, steady, or at ease. Strong physical and emotional sensations are not inconveniences. They are data. Your nervous system is responding to something, and there is usually a story underneath that response.
You might realize you are tired of being talked over and decide to tell your mother that you feel unheard. You might notice you are staying late at work to appear dedicated rather than because the work truly requires it. You may recognize that your creative projects are not financially lucrative but deeply nourishing, and therefore worth the investment. You might see that you are carrying too much in your household and finally ask others to contribute. You may choose to stop attending events that consistently dysregulate you, even if they look fun on social media.
These are not dramatic revolutions. They are deliberate adjustments so you can start doing more of what you want to, and less of everything else.
Rewriting the Role You’ve Been Playing
When you tune into your body and your thought patterns, you will often find a narrative running in the background. Maybe it says you must be the reliable one. Maybe it insists you cannot make money doing creative work. Maybe it tells you that asking for help makes you weak. These scripts can feel like personality traits when they are actually learned roles.
You are allowed to question the character you have been playing. You are allowed to write a new chapter.
Freedom isn’t the absence of responsibility. Freedom is having the power to decide.
Meeting Discomfort With Curiosity
When discomfort shows up, try responding with curiosity instead of immediately correcting or dismissing it. Ask yourself where the feeling originated (it is okay if you don’t know; the pause is the most important part). Is it aligned with your current values, or is it echoing an old expectation influenced by family, culture, friends, gender, or society? What might shift if you responded differently next time? How could you experiment in small, manageable ways rather than attempting a full life overhaul?
This is not about burning everything down. It is about reclaiming ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Tiny, conscious adjustments accumulate. Over time, they build a life that feels less reactive and more intentional. Stuff starts falling into place, FINALLY!
Many people are well aware of their traumas and triggers. Great! Step one is done. If you’re not there, no worries, check out my blogs on true nature. Discernment is step two. Now, DECIDE to do something different from what you’ve done before. Don’t try to change everything at once. If you do, your nervous system will rebel. I know, slow change is friggin annoying. But pick a few things to work on.
Do you avoid confrontation with family about big issues? Ok, start by telling them about something small and recent that didn’t make you feel great. Have trouble saying no? Have a blanket statement ready instead of scrambling for an “excuse.” For example: “I’m not taking anything else on right now.”
You Always Have Options: Discernment as a Way of Living
This work takes time. Your brain will revert to what is familiar, and there will be default, autopilot moments when you fall back into old patterns. That does not mean you are failing. It means you are human, so give yourself some f-ing grace. K?! Change asks your nervous system to tolerate uncertainty, and that is a skill built through repetition, not perfection.
You cannot control every circumstance, but you can influence how you show up within them. You can examine your beliefs instead of blindly obeying them. You can decide which values you want to live by and choose actions that align with who you are becoming rather than who you were conditioned to be. If something has always felt slightly off about what was asked of you, or what you continually ask of yourself, that discomfort may have been your intuition signaling a mismatch.
Discernment is not a one-time decision you check off a list. It is an ongoing relationship with yourself that evolves as you do. As your needs, capacities, and priorities shift, what fits will shift as well, and that does not mean something has gone wrong. Living with discernment means staying responsive rather than rigid. It allows you to adjust without assuming failure, to course-correct without burning everything down, and to choose deliberately instead of by default.
Often, discernment is not just a mindset shift but a nervous system shift. In Reiki sessions, we slow everything down enough for your body to speak clearly. When your system feels safer and more regulated, your choices stop coming from panic, performance, or pressure. They start coming from steadiness. From you. Check out my services page for more information.
What Comes Next
When everything feels optional, people freeze. Discernment does not mean choosing randomly just for the F of it or endlessly experimenting. Sometimes it means returning to what reliably supports human beings: rest, rhythm, nourishment, connection, meaning, and honest feedback from the body. In the next piece, we will look at how grounding yourself in these timeless anchors makes choice simpler, not harder.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do I know if I’m living on autopilot?
You may be living on autopilot if your life looks successful on the outside but feels hollow, draining, or slightly “off” on the inside. Repetitive frustration, resentment, numbness, overachievement without fulfillment, or difficulty making decisions can all signal that you are operating from conditioning rather than conscious choice.
2. Is feeling stuck a sign that something is wrong with me?
No. Feeling stuck often means your current patterns no longer fit the person you are becoming. That discomfort is information. It does not mean you are broken. It means something is ready to be reassessed.
3. Why is it so hard to change patterns even when I’m self-aware?
Awareness is step one, but your nervous system prioritizes familiarity over growth. What is familiar feels safe, even if it is no longer supportive. Change requires your body to tolerate uncertainty. That takes repetition, regulation, and patience. It is not a discipline problem. It is biology.
4. Who is this work for?
This work is for self-aware adults who are tired of performing, over-functioning, or following inherited scripts. It is especially supportive for those who feel capable on the outside but internally disconnected, overstimulated, or unsure what actually fits them anymore.
5. How do I know if I’m ready for this kind of work?
If something in you is questioning your current path, noticing misalignment, or craving a deeper sense of clarity and self-trust, you are ready to begin. You do not need to have everything figured out. You just need to be willing to pause and listen.
6. What does “discernment over default” actually mean?
Discernment over default means choosing consciously instead of repeating patterns you absorbed from family, culture, or survival strategies. Many of us operate on autopilot without realizing it. Discernment is the practice of pausing, reassessing what fits now, and making deliberate choices that align with who you are today, not who you had to be in the past.
7. How does Reiki support discernment and decision-making?
Reiki energy work supports discernment by calming and regulating the nervous system. When your body feels safer and less reactive, you can hear your own internal signals more clearly. Instead of making choices from pressure, panic, or performance, you begin choosing from steadiness and self-trust. Many clients find that clarity emerges naturally once their system is no longer in fight, flight, or freeze
8. What happens in a Reiki session with you?
In a session, we create space for your body to slow down. You remain fully clothed while I work with subtle energy and nervous system regulation. Clients often report feeling deeply relaxed, emotionally clear, grounded, or more connected to themselves. The goal is not to fix you, but to help your system recalibrate so you can access your own inner guidance more easily.